Immediately after the wedding--as in, the day we got back from our honeymoon--the dreaded question began surfacing, randomly at first and with increasing frequency ever since. "When are you two having kids?" had replaced the engagement question of "Where's the honeymoon?". We had JUST passed one major milestone in our lives and people (especially our mothers) were already desparate for the next. Even near strangers couldn't restrain themselves from asking this (incredibly personal, by the way) question. And it terrified me. Jeff and I have both always wanted kids, but honestly the ink wasn't even dry on the marriage license yet! We wanted to wait awhile and enjoy married life with just the two of us before rushing into such a life-changing step.
And then everything changed. Let me lay out a little timeline for you that might help explain:
In late November, we had a birth control snafu that caused us both to be absolutely convinced I was pregnant. It turned out to be a false alarm, but the thing that struck us both was that, instead of horrified fear of an unplanned pregnancy, we were...ecstatic. Jeff even went so far as trying to talk to my stomach so the "baby" could hear him. (I know, there are no words for how insane that is. I am aware.) When the tests all came back negative, I honestly felt like a raging lunatic. But also, I felt really really sad. I wanted that baby, and Jeff felt the same. We began serious discussions about having children soon.
In December I went off birth control. Now, something you have to understand about Jeff and me is that we are absolutely paralized by the fear of making decisions. Especially big, irrevocable, life-changing decisions. So we "decided" that I would go off the pill, but that we would try not to get pregnant just the same. Totally logical, right? We passed into early January under this arrangement.
In mid-January, baby fever reached epidemic heights. We wanted babies and we wanted them NOW. So we decided to start seriously trying to get pregnant. We brainstormed baby names and said things like, "This may be the last beer I'll have for nine months!" nearly every night.
And then...we spent a weekend with three couples, all of whom have kids under the age of three. And we loved the kids, had an absolute ball with them. But their parents were another story altogether. With their arms full of toys and diapers and their eyes full of crazy, they warned us--PLEADED with us--to wait to have kids. "It's not worth it!", they said. "Not yet! Wait and enjoy the quiet time!" Their lunatic desparation swayed us. We decided to once again try not to get pregnant.
And now. Now it is early February, and all I can think about is babies. A very large part of me thinks that if I'm so easily swayed and indecisive about this whole thing then I am in no way ready for it. Another, smaller but louder, part of me just incessantly screams "BABIES BABIES BABIES BABIES!" Le sigh.
So, for now, no babies are in residence in our home or in my belly. And who knows how long it will stay that way. Please, tell me I'm not the only crazy one yo-yo'ing on this most important decision.
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